Yesterday was a bad day. A very bad day. After three good days, I felt worse than I have possibly ever felt and for seemingly no reason.
I have a vague idea of what my triggers are, but even they are not consistent and they are often in my head, a pre-cursor to a trigger, if you will, or an anticipation of an event that probably won’t happen.
I SH’d quite a bit yesterday, which makes me feel juvenile and stupid and sore. Oh, the irony of complaining about my bath stinging my cuts I was also really, really horrible to my boyfriend. He is the sweetest, most tolerant person ever and when I’m feeling low, all I do is verbally attack him, when it is people in my past I should be attacking for treating me badly. I want to apologise to him here. It must be horrible having two girlfriends, and not knowing which one you’ll be waking up to.
I think the main trigger was when I called about the Drs to find out where my referral letter was, and they told me that they had only just sent it off on Monday, which was 12 days after my visit.
12 days. 12 days after I told the doctor I was SHing and having suicidal thoughts. A recent survey indicated that out 2000 patients waiting for mental health treatment, 1 in 8 had attempted suicide and 4 out of 10 self-harmed. Furthermore, two-thirds said that their emotional state had deteriorated whilst awaiting treatment. It can currently take upto a year for patients to even start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
I myself know that I have deteriorated since my visit. Partially due to the lack of care or responsibility of my GP for basically just kicking me out with some pills, but also that you feel slightly fraudulent. There is this mindset that they took nearly two weeks to write my referral, they can’t think that I’m that ill. And this is based on a stock supply of questions they ask. I haven’t had a follow-up call from them regarding my medication, and this is supposed to mandatory.
Suffice it to say that I am furious with the NHS for leaving myself, and thousands of others, suffering with unknown demons that could cause us to do harm to ourselves.
I recently googled Mirtazapine and was shocked at the suicide incident rate attached to this specific drug. In particular, Robin Williams was found to be have been taking the drug in the days leading upto his suicide.
I understand that no drug is perfect, and that whilst there are cases of suicides or attempted suicides, many people are leaving symptom-free lives on these drugs. But to prescribe a drug that, in the US, has TEN Regulatory Agency Warnings citing Suicidal Ideation, to someone who has mentioned suicidal thoughts, is lunacy.
The NHS is massively underfunded in the Mental Health Sector, axing the jobs of 200 psychiatric doctors a couple of years ago. The above figures are in direct relation to those cuts. And with life being ever more stressful, more and more people are struggling to cope.
Whether or not my own illness is caused by faulty wiring, stress-overload or something else, I am not alone with my particular struggle, although it often feels completely isolating, and I know that it can be baffling, infuriating and, at times, tedious to people around you.
I am at a meeting all day today, which will keep me occupied and hopefully I’ll be able to make it to the weekend without too much trouble, but every minute of every day is like playing Russian Roulette.
I’m sorry if this post is self-pitying but I wanted to verbalise my anger and disappointment with the NHS and how I feel that they are letting down, not just myself, but thousands of people every day.